I Am The Boss Of All Velociraptor Princesses

I think I need to lay down.

Nov 8 2017, 6:00pm

All images courtesy The Pipe Cat

Look, I'm not about to sit here and tell you that Princess Battle is a good game. I don't even know if that's the game's real name-that's what the itch.io page says, but the title screen says "PRINCESS WAR" in Comic Sans and there's also a PlayStation logo and some, like, Tumblr all over the bottom. What I will sit here and tell you is that you should look at this thing.

The description says "you are a dino//princess and wanna keep that way," and that's not inaccurate, but it's also not totally right either. You know how when you describe a dream to someone the next day, and it sounds super boring and you can tell that they don't really get it, and they're not wrong to think that it's boring but you also can't figure out how else to describe it? It's that. Princess Battle/War/???? is exactly like that.

Moving your raptor around is arduous and kinda frustrating, and it's impossible to know whether this is on purpose. Sometimes you can take the crown from another raptor on the first try, and other times it just doesn't work. Sometimes you'll have the crown and be halfway across the map from another dinosaur, and suddenly that shitlord Stegofino Estrobiarus has the crown and there's nothing you can do about it.

The game tells you to find a throne once you have the crown, but I'm almost completely positive that this is a lie. I don't think there is a throne anywhere on this map. I don't even think you can win this game, I think it just does this, forever, and you have to decide when you're not going to let it do it anymore.

Princess Battle should be a controlled substance and is free for browsers and Windows on itch.io.