Illustration: Bobby Redmond
Have you ever had foreplay that was more like threeplay? Twoplay? Oneplay? Maybe youâre getting zero play, so you canât comment. Maybe youâre worried about how good your own foreplay is. Well, do I have the article for you. As you may have guessed from the title or my hilarious puns, this piece is all about tips, tricks and how to shag before the actual shagging bit â or as itâs known more formally, foreplay. Foreplay is exactly what it says on the tin: the stuff you do be-FORE the PLAY. But donât think everything you do before you hit the sheets counts as foreplay. Having a dump doesnât count. Eating a cheese sandwich doesnât count. Unless, of course, thatâs the stuff that gets you off. In which case, it is incredible foreplay.To get down to the nitty gritty, foreplay is the sensual and sexual actions before full-blown sex that gets you and your partner (or partners) in the mood. Think snogs, caresses, spanks and teases. Itâs the warm-up before the big event; getting each other hot and bothered so the big bang doesnât come too quickly. This hinges, primarily, on you and your partner(s) being good at foreplay. Enter: this guide. I swear this isnât a redpilled take, so listen up. There is a great case to be made that foreplay â when foreplay refers to everything but sticking it into a hole â is pretty heteronormative. The idea that sex only begins when penetration occurs and that anything prior (blowies, fingering, rimjobs) is âonlyâ foreplay is a toxic way of making those only participating in non-penetrative sex feel lesser. It also heavily implies that the only ârightâ sex is that of cis willies entering cis fannies. You can decide what you want foreplay to be. If you want that to include upside-down blowjobs, go right ahead. (This is my friend Bethâs fave foreplay technique, because you can take a dick further down your throat, plus bonus points for pretending to be Spider-Man.) It also means if you have any specific turn-ons, kinks or fetishes, you can class these as foreplay, too. If you find out what you personally find sexy, foreplay can be anything that gets you hot under the collar. Just like shagging, a huge mistake in foreplay is taking it too seriously. Use this time to work out whatâs fun for you or even, whatâs a little torturous for you â if you like being teased, that is. Dan, a 26-year-old researcher, tells me about meeting up with a fuckbuddy to exchange long, lingering erotic massages, only fucking when one of them finally âcrackedâ. By honing in on the âplayâ element in foreplay, youâre more likely to have a good time. (Like every foreplay expert in this piece, Danâs speaking anonymously to spill the beans on his sex life.) Misha, a 31-year-old artist, also emphasises the importance of taking your time to make the most out of the pre-shagging situation. By rushing into the sex, you can miss out on the finer enjoyments of your intimate moments. âSometimes dressing up is more exciting than stripping down,â they explain. âWearing sexy things and feeling the clothes and costumes and all that is vastly more erotic than just being naked and getting straight to it.âWhile having set ways for getting off makes sense, donât let your traditional methods of spicing it up hold you back. Getting creative means you and your partner might get more flustered than ever before! Stuck for ideas? Marketing consultant Nat, 32, detailed the following options for making foreplay funner: âI like applying â really friendly, non-intimidating â sensory deprivation things, like eye masks, headphones, etc,â she says. âThese can be a nice way to mix things up, prolong a session, or just focus in on one person.âYou might have your own ideas already brewing when it comes to ideas, but if youâre finding it hard to communicate the foreplay you want to try, psychologist and coach Zoe Mallett recommends making the conversation part of the build-up. âDepending on your style of communication you can write down the things you want to try and swap it with your partner/partners,â she suggests. âYou can read them in the same room or when you're apart, but this will give the other people involved a starting idea of what you like and what can be a part of your foreplay.âInterior designer India tells me that foreplay just isnât her thing, so bear in mind that taking your time before fucking just might not be your cup of tea â and thatâs totally valid, too.âWe never do foreplay! My partner just takes his cock out and shows it to me and we get at it⊠Or if I want to start the sex, I give him a certain look and go to another room, then he quickly follows,â she explains. âI think it will keep evolving, but I love how sincere and honest getting right to it is. I donât miss foreplay, but I can always ask if I want it and Iâll get it.âThis is, Mallett confirms, completely natural. âIf you donât like foreplay and are happy to not partake in it, thatâs fine. Itâs your body; you can decide how you want to pleasure it.â Just like India, however, remember to communicate with whoever youâre getting into bed with â donât just assume they feel the way that you do.That said, this is a guide about how to do foreplay and not how to get out of it. If you arenât into it but want to be, Mallett advises relaxing and taking time to assess what you like and donât like. This doesnât have to involve hours of meditation and self-reflection. Personally, I recommend checking out different types of (ethical, please) porn to see what turns you on and what doesnât, and test it out next time youâre getting it on with someone else.Unsurprisingly, what you want to do in foreplay is just as personal as what you want to do in sex, so this guide can only take you so far. The best advice a gal can give is get out there and give it a bloody go, otherwise youâre never going to know.
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What is foreplay?
Tip 1: Use your imagination
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Tip 2: Have fun with it
Tip 3: Mix it up
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